Shepherds Family Law | Working Effectively with High Conflict People
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26 Sep Working Effectively with High Conflict People

Posted at 05:57h in Managing Conflict, Mediation by

We all have to deal on occasions with difficult people who argue about everything with everyone.  Bill Eddy calls them “High Conflict People” (hereafter called HCPs).

Bill Eddy is a Californian lawyer, mediator and therapist who has written extensively about managing HCPs, and gave a workshop earlier this month in Sydney.

This blog summarises the aspects of Bill Eddy’s work which I have found most useful in dealing with difficult and high conflict people – both as a lawyer and as a mediator. It includes a list of Ten Ways to Deal More Effectively with High Conflict People.

Characteristics of High Conflict People

High conflict people:

1.           Lack self awareness of:  [bulletlist]

  • Why they are the way they are.
  • How they contribute to their own problems.
  • Why they feel upset.  Their emotions dominate their thinking.
  • How they affect other people.[/bulletlist]

2.           Lack ability to change: [bulletlist]

  • HCPs are rigid and uncompromising.
  • Their behaviour is rigidly patterned and evokes negative responses from others which reinforces their belief that they are under attack. [/bulletlist]

3.           Externalise responsibility for their problems: [bulletlist]

  • HCPs see themselves as victims.
  • They believe that outside forces are responsible for all of their problems.
  • They externalise their problems by focusing on a target of blame.  This diverts attention from themselves and leads them into intense conflict (including litigation) against that individual or group.[/bulletlist]

Anger and conflictual behaviour of HCPs commonly arise from their grieving for an actual, perceived or anticipated loss.  For example, following separation, most spouses go through five stages of grieving (for the loss of the relationship, time with children, financial security, etc). These stages are:

(a)        Denial of the separation.

(b)        Anger.  HCPs tend to get stuck at this stage.

(c)         Bargaining against the inevitable loss.  “If we stay together, I will change, I promise you.”

(d)        Depression and sadness.

(e)         Acceptance.

HCPs get stuck at the anger stage.  Their anger masks their fears and is an indication of their powerlessness rather than their strength.   Their aggression is their defence against perceived threats.

HCPs respond to their own internal emotional distress by trying to blame and change an external target of blame in the hope it will make themselves feel better internally.  This leads to negative reaction from others which makes the HCP feel even more threatened.  This circular self defeating pattern of behaviour keeps their life in chaos (which is consistent with their world view that they are victims and everyone else is a threat).

Common features of the thoughts and behaviour of HCP are:

(a)        All or nothing thinking.  They categorise other people as being either friend or foe.  “It’s all your fault.”

(b)        They minimise the positives of their situation and maximise the negatives.

(c)         They engage in emotional reasoning by assuming facts from how they are feeling.  “You made me feel bad therefore you must have intended to make me feel bad … I feel threatened and therefore you must be threatening me.”

(d)        Over generalisations and jumping to conclusions.  They draw huge conclusions from minor or rare events.

(e)         They mind-read and often project unintended or irrelevant motives onto other people.

(f)          They engage in tunnel vision by fixating on one issue only and ignoring others.

Ten Ways to Deal More Effectively with High Conflict People

1.           Do not take their attacks (or exaggerated compliments) personally.  Their behaviour is unconscious, long term and automatic.  Their high conflict is not about you – but rather is about their fears.

2.           Do not bother defending yourself against their attacks or criticism.  Arguing with them will not persuade them and will reinforce their world view that everyone is against them.  Instead do the opposite of what they expect and ask them to explain their concerns – “That’s interesting, tell me more.”  Listening to them does not mean you are agreeing.  Repeat back to them what they have said.  Until the HCP feels heard, they cannot work with you on options and solutions.

3.           Do not give HCPs negative feedback – especially about their behaviour or personality.  They will interpret negative feedback as threats and increase their resistance and attacks upon you.  There is no point trying to persuade HCPs with logical arguments or to lecture to them.  All of these strategies will be interpreted as attacks.

4.           Make positive requests and suggestions for what they should do – rather than telling them what they should not do.

5.           Listen to the HCP fears and anger without getting hooked.  Their anger masks their fear of loss.  Acknowledge their emotions without accepting their accuracy.  Be consistent in what you can and can’t do for them.  Avoid being too generous with your time and energy – when that proves unsustainable and you cut back on what needs to be done, the HCP will direct blame directly at you.  Be realistic as to when and how you can communicate.  Otherwise, they will think you are always available.

6.           Anticipate emergencies.  React calmly and confidently but do not treat the crisis with the same urgency as the HCP.   Do not tell them to calm down.

7.           Be prepared for your own emotional reaction to their bad behaviour.  Avoid mirroring their behaviour and instead deliberately act in the opposite way.  React to their behaviour in a way you wish them to behave.  If they raise their voice, lower yours.  If their speech quickens, slow yours down.

8.           Do not give HCPs increased attention or time because of their bad behaviour (which is often the first reaction of people trying to help them).  This reinforces for them that bad behaviour is the best way to get attention.

9.           Give the HCP options and let them make the choice.  Ask how they feel about an option rather than what they think of it.  If they do not like any of the options, put the onus back on them.  “So then, what do you propose?”

10.         Prior to meetings or telephone calls with HCPs, identify what you need to discuss and achieve.  Prepare an agenda of such items and tell or show it to the HCP.  Tell them how much time you have. As they digress say “That’s interesting, and how I can help you is…………” taking them back to the agenda and your time limit.

Personalities form by age 5 or 6, and then remain stable through life.  Whilst individuals can modify their adult personalities, it takes great effort and generally requires professional assistance.  HCPs lack insight and willingness to do so.  You will therefore not change the HCP – do not try to do so.  Instead, consider how you can work with them.  Alternatively, consider whether you actually want to or need to work with them.

Bill Eddy has written many books.  I have found High Conflict People in Legal Disputes (2006) useful in dealing with difficult legal clients.  It Is All Your Fault considers HCPs in a broader context and is useful for workplace issues.  BIFF is good on effective communications with HCPs.  These books can be hard to find in Australian bookshops, but can be purchased on amazon.com (including digital versions).  Bill also has a website www.highconflictinstitute.com which has free material and also sells his books.